I Should Not Hold On
by LundiWolf
Summary: He shouldn't miss him, he don't want to miss him. But still, he did. Implied, at least onesided, Tousen/Hisagi, male x male warning. Angst. Spoiler for Fake Karakura Town arc. Death fic.


He missed him. He knew he shouldn't, and he knew it didn't matter how much he missed him. But still, he told himself it was only natural to feel this way. Didn't matter how many days that passed, he still had a reason to hold onto those memories. Or at least, that's what he told himself.

It had been six months now since the winter war ended. Hisagi Shuuhei had felt an emptiness before the battle in Karakura town started. Ever since captain Tousen had betrayed Soul Society. Although, he never showed it. He tried not to let it effect him and his surroundings. But back then, the thing that got him going was the little hope that he would come back. That it was all just a trick, that it was all just some way to stab Aizen in the back. Because, Tousen was completely immune against his zanpakuto's ability. He was the one who was able to win.

But then, when he stood there fighting the man that Shuuhei held closest, the sadness and anger took over.

He could never forget the pain in his heart when he pierced him with Kazeshini.

"_Kae.. Kazeshini"_

The first times, after the war, when he said he wasn't in the mood to go out drinking with the others, or just implied that he was depressed, they joked with him. Rangiku-san often poked him in the side and told him to stop being so boring. But then, after a while, they stopped joking and mocking him. They've realized this was serious, and that he needed time alone.

"_Hisagi.. let me have a good look at your face"_

Those words, had struck him deeply. That hand, reaching out against him. He had tried to hold it, just for a moment..

Shuuhei had loved his captain. The thought had often hit him, but it had never been something he had thought about further. But he realized it now. This was not just grief. This was heartbreak.

There had never mean anything physical between Shuuhei and his captain. It had only been a case of respect and love. Or it had been love from Shuuhei's side at least. For everyday that went he doubted Tousen's feelings.

Those time they sparred together and Tousen always tried to make his fighting a bit sharper. When they sat down, drank some tea, and Tousen learned him about life and fighting. When he even received a gift from his captain, a small collection of haikus. A promotion gift, Tousen called it.

When Hisagi was upset, Tousen would be there. With a wise word and a gentle hand on his shoulder. A simple hand on the shoulder was always enough for Shuuhei. He didn't need any embrace or kiss. That simple touch by a hand was all that he needed. The thought of even receiving anything more never came across his mind.

He had been happy that Tousen let Shuuhei been close to him.

So the moment he knew that now, for the first time, Tousen saw him, he felt to cry. This was the first and last time they could look into each others eyes, and into each others souls.

The thoughts of those waterfilled eyes of his, was the thing who created that sadness within Shuuhei everyday.

Because now, he was really gone. He had seen him turn into just a mass of blood, right in front of him. Even Shuuhei himself had been the one to take him down.

He shouldn't feel this way. Even if Tousen had survived, his crimes had been too great to be forgiven by Soul Society.

Komamura had told him a lot of times to let him go. He was gone, there were no need to grieve over him. He told him that it was just going to start effect Hisagi's life and squad, and making deep damages, which he wouldn't be able to fix. ItBut he held on. For some reason he just held on.

…

"Vicecaptain Hisagi! Vicecaptain Hisagi!"

He opened his eyes slowly. Was that.. did someone call for him?

"Are you alright? Vicecaptain Hisagi?"

Shuuhei sat quickly up, but felt how dizzy he was. He looked around, trying to understand where he was. He was in his room. Nothing odd with that. But it was no light, except for the little bit of sunshine who could make it through the curtains. He was still completely dressed, even though he udnerstood that he probably slept through the entire night.

Around him on the floor are empty bottles. Right. He drank a lot of sake last night. What he knew, he hadn't drank that much in a long time, especially not alone.

And all because of..

Where was it? Shuuhei was just about to look around after it, when once again he heard the noise who had waked him up. A knock on the door and somebody who repeatedly said his name. He managed to get up on his feet and walk to the door. He realized it was locked. He must have locked himself in yesterday, just to be able to be alone.

He opened the door, and there stood a pretty young man. It took a few seconds for him to comprehend that it was his third seat. Damn, he hated to have a hangover.

"I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you Vicecaptain Hisagi, but.." started Sone Yuuji, but stopped and seemed a bit doubtful

"Keep talking Sone" Hisagi said, trying to seem a bit more alert than he really was.

"You promised yesterdat to take me, fourth seat Mazuka and fith seat Hyata to lunch today" the man said quickly and Shuuhei froze for a moment.

Damn it, he did. And he had completely forgot about it too.

"We had decided that we would meet up at the office for the editing of the magazine, but you didn't show up"

Shuuhei raised a hand to his forehead. He felt really ashamed of himself. When he for once decided to do something with his fellow squadmembers, then he got drunk and forgot about it. And where it already lunchtime anyway? This wasn't good at all..

"Right, I'm sorry Sone, I just, forgot, okay. I hope you went and ate anyway" Shuuhei mumbled.

Sone seemed a bit nervous at first.

"No, not really. Mazuka and Hyata both went, but I had to go here and check so nothing had happened" he said, and Shuuhei blinked confused.

It was at that moment, those words of Komamura came back to him. If he kept digging himself down in sorrow, then it would effect his squad.

And he couldn't let that happen.

"Well, then" Shuuhei said, and straightened up. "Let's go and eat now, I can't let my third seat go hungry, can I?"

Sone looked surprise.

"No, I can eat by myself you know, I don't want you to feel obligated to-"

"Stop it. No need to think so, I'm hungry to you know"

Shuuhei stepped out of his room, and just when he was going to close the door behind him he thought about it. Those papers, with Tousens handwriting over them. That little collection of haikus that Hisagi had found last night under his table.

"_I want to look upon your face while I still can.."_

But right now, he needed to leave those papers, and captain Tousen, behind. He needed to let them stay in his past.


End file.
